Next week, it’s my birthday.
I know what you’re thinking and, yes, that makes me an Aquarian. I am very much the typical Aquarian too, in that I can be original and independent, whilst uncompromising, temperamental and, dare I say it, aloof? I enjoy intellectual conversation, and spending time with friends, most of whom would say I am a good listener. I dislike being lonely, boring conversations, and people who disagree with me.
Except, there’s just one problem with all of that: it’s utter bullshit. I got that description from an astrology website (I won’t mention the name, but let’s just refer to it as www.utterbullshit.com – which, if any Astrologers are reading this, is apparently available).
Ok, most of the description does happen to be accurate, but it could equally apply to the majority of people, and the mere fact I was born between 20th January and 18th February, does not dictate the kind of person I am. If your birthday happens to place you within one of the other eleven signs of the zodiac (or ‘gullible twat symbols’, as I like to call them), does that mean you don’t enjoy spending time with friends? That you like being lonely?
I approach astrology, and horoscopes, with precisely the same amount of respect I give to psychics, clairvoyants, tarot readers, and Israeli spoon-benders who were once friends with Michael Jackson: absolutely none. They are nothing more than con-artists, often praying on the gullible, or emotionally vulnerable, who are willing to consider any source of comfort and guidance in times of stress or grief.
If you honestly believe, honestly believe, that someone can know everything about you, and predict your future, purely from the time of year you were born, a set of weird cards, or the dregs of their PG tips, then, my apologies, but you’re an idiot. A tarot reader might as well use a deck of normal playing cards for their ‘readings’, as it would provide them with just as much genuine insight:
‘Ah, I see a Jack. Do you know a Jack? Have you ever met a Jack?… What about the Queen? Have you ever seen the Queen on TV?… Ok, I’m getting the number 7. Did you once have a 7th birthday party?’
Piss off. The same goes for the signs of the zodiac, they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing.
To prove it, I’ve decided to offer my own ‘horoscopes’, because they will provide those of you who believe in this crap, with just as much useful information about your lives:
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18, like it matters)
Aquarians are friendly, honest and loyal, often with excellent hair and dashing good looks. Male Aquarians tend to be tall, with abnormally large genitals, making them excellent lovers.
Aquarians should not be mistaken with Aquariums, which are tanks to keep fish in. ‘Tanks’, in this sense, are containers of varying shapes and sizes, often made from glass or plastic, and should not be confused with armoured military vehicles.
Aquarians tend to waffle a bit, and sometimes exaggerate the size of their genitals.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Speaking of fish, here come the fucking Pisceans.
A more boring type of person you will never meet. They tend to only eat lentils, and insist on speaking almost exclusively in clichés. So, just to keep the moaning bastards happy:
Remember, at the end of the day, actions speak louder than words, and the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s a game of two halves, and you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. There’s no time like the present, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
As an Arian, you probably like holidays, so you should have a holiday this year. Consideration should be given to holidaying in the UK or, alternatively, abroad. Abroad is likely to be warmer (unless you go somewhere colder), but you may have to contend with foreign languages, different cultures, and food you are not necessarily accustomed to. If you read the Daily Mail, this is best avoided.
Some countries are dangerous to travel to at present (Afghanistan, Syria and The United States, to name three), so plan your trip carefully.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You, more than anyone, should know that astrology is a load of bull, because that’s your symbol. And, what a tremendous symbol it is too. You are strong and commanding, but can lose your temper easily, especially when exposed to anything red (like a United fan, a Communist, or Mini Babybel).
You are a large, uncastrated adult male (Note to self: check you haven’t mixed up your Wikipedia references). You are not to be confused with a ‘Toureg’, which is a large Volkswagen, or a ‘Toksvig’, which is a Danish-born television presenter.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
Ah, the bald twins.
Of course, the vast majority of Geminis are not actually twins, as that would be ridiculous, but those who are not, are burdened instead with a lifetime of jibes about their ‘split personality’. They long to have a twin, if only to stop the incessant bullying about their psyche.
As your Zodiac symbol shows, you are destined to a life of premature Alopecia, and you bitterly resent your parents for not planning the act of conception better. You look enviously upon the Virgoans, with their luscious flowing locks, and reminisce of the days when you too (or two, if you are a twin) had hair of your own.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Let’s be honest, no one wants to be Cancer, do they? Not only is your star sign named after a horrible, debilitating disease, but in a misguided attempt to make you feel better about that, the people at Zodiac HQ decided to make your symbol ‘crabs’. They really screwed you over, didn’t they? Quite what you have done to upset them remains a mystery, but, suffice to say, no one really likes you.
According to www.utterbullshit.com, your ‘lucky numbers’ are 2, 7, 11, 16, 20 and 25, although there is no apparent reasoning for this. Still, probably worth sticking those numbers on the lottery, and remembering your favourite blogger in the highly unlikely event you win big.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Everyone is jealous of you.
Aside from the fact you have the only Zodiac symbol cooler than the Taurians, your birthday is in the summer holidays. You mock those unfortunate enough to be lumbered with Aquarius, or Capricorn, since not only are their birthdays forever cold and miserable, but they were born too close to Christmas. You, on the other hand, have warm, sunny birthdays, and your gifts are more-or-less equidistant from Christmas, to ensure that your sock drawer is plentifully stocked all year round.
Oh, and you are the only star sign to be named after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. You lucky, lucky bastards.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
In contrast to Leos, not all Virgoans love their birthday, since they will have been either one of the eldest, or one of the youngest, in their year at school (depending on when they popped out of their mother’s foof). This, of course, doesn’t matter once they leave school, but their brazen confidence, or crippling insecurity, stays with them for the rest of their life.
Virgos, as mentioned earlier, always have thick, lustrous hair, hence why their Zodiac symbol looks like it has been lifted straight from a fucking L’Oreal advert. They are also very good at snooker trick-shots (target reference).
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
There is literally nothing interesting you can say about Librans.
As their symbol indicates, they are diplomatic and fair-minded, but that means they are constantly sitting on the fence, and never have an opinion about anything. Not that you would want to hear their opinion, as they are so sinfully dull.
‘Libra’ even sounds like a bland Vauxhall saloon from the mid-1980’s – which is appropriate, since most Librans probably drive 1980’s saloon cars.
Their associated colours are ‘beige’ and ‘grey’, and their favourite biscuit is ‘rich tea’, due to the fact they cannot digest chocolate, or tolerate anything even remotely fun.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Continuing the trend of naming signs like 1980’s saloon cars, Scorpios do at least have a moderately cool symbol featuring, as one might expect, a scorpion.
Like their namesakes, Scorpios are very much ‘predatory creatures, found on all major land masses except Antarctica’. According to www.utterbullshit.com, Scorpios are ruled by Pluto (one assumes the reference is to the dwarf planet, not the Disney dog), and their favourite colours are scarlet, red and rust – which rather calls into question why they aren’t ruled by Mars instead. It’s almost as if astrologers are simply making this shit up as they go along.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
No one has anything bad to say about Sagittarians.
Like Aquarians and Capricorns, they too are burdened with a rubbish birthday, but unlike Aquarians and Capricorns, they don’t bitch about it. They are friendly, generous and beautiful people, often strangely attracted to Aquarians. They are experts at buying fantastic birthday presents.
The only downside to Sagittarians, is that they don’t like to be written about in blogs, they can be quite judgmental, and they tend to react badly when slapped (affectionately) on the bottom.
Famous Sagittarians include Robin Hood, Cupid and my wife.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
See, I was pretty certain that was a goat, but having just checked online, it turns out to be a ‘mountain sea goat’ which, of course, doesn’t exist.
It goes without saying, therefore, that Capricorns are compulsive liars, who should not be trusted under any circumstances whatsoever. In fact, anyone who claims to be an astrologer, psychic, tarot reader or clairvoyant, is almost certainly a Capricorn, and this hidden admission of dishonesty, is a running joke at their annual ‘We Can’t Believe We’re Still Getting Away With This Bollocks’ conference.
Capricorns believe in fairies, unicorns, and that Elvis is still very much alive.
This week’s entry is saturated with sarcasm and scorn (nice bit of alliteration there), and none of what I have written has any truth to it (aside from the fact it is my birthday next week, and I do have a large willy), but the same can be said for every other horoscope out there. There is no scientific or logical basis for thinking that your date of birth determines what kind of person you are, or what the week ahead may hold in store.
I know there are people who will say they have been to see a psychic, and she (it’s almost always a she) knew things no one could possibly know, but it’s just a trick. Ok, she predicted that you have a grandparent who has passed away, but you’re 58 for fuck’s sake, it’s just basic maths.
Despite believing it is all a load of bunkum, I don’t want to upset anyone who believes in horoscopes, so I have read bits of this week’s entry to my wife – she called me an idiot.
Thanks for reading x