Blog-Blog-Bloggin’ On Heaven’s Door

What if today were my last day?

What if tonight, that was it?

Would I look back on my life fondly?

Or would I sigh and think ‘well, that was shit’?

Because I may live to see treble figures

Or thirty-eight could be my last age

I might have many more chapters

Or this could be my final page

 

My death may be perfectly normal

Or an occurrence frankly bizarre

I may simply drift off to sleep

Or a plane could crash into my car

I may be hit by a bus in the morning

A roof could collapse on my head

My wife may decide that enough is enough

And smother me as I lie there in bed

 

I may fall in the back of a bin truck

The dentist could slip with her drill

My soup might be laced with poison

Or my drink could be spiked with a pill

I may go in spectacular fashion

When a tiger escapes from the zoo

Or I die all alone just like Elvis

As I push too hard having a poo

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I may slip and fall in a mincer

And end up diced into chunks

Or I wade too far in the ocean

And something nasty swims up my trunks

I might be attacked by a pack of wild dogs

I could be sliced into two by some wire

Maybe blown up in a household explosion

Due to a badly installed tumble dryer

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I could get lost in the desert and starve

Or trapped up a mountain and freeze

My head might spontaneously combust

As I try to hold in a big sneeze

I may slip while I’m trying to shower

Get discovered all naked and wet

Or choke to death dining al fresco

On a piece of pork pie or baguette

Family having picnic.

 

I may plummet from a hot air balloon ride

Or simply fall down the stairs while at home

There may be errors within my genetics

Killed by a shit chromosome

I’d hate to be murdered by seagulls

Finished by thousands of pecks

Although no means of death is ideal

(except perhaps during wild sex)

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Look, I don’t intend to be morbid

And I hope I’m around for a while

But I guess what I mean is be happy

And whenever you can try to smile

Because none of us can see the future

And whatever the next day might bring

We can’t predict that last moment

When the fat lady will start to sing

 

So please make the most of each moment

Look after your family and friends

Don’t wish your time away quickly

And only live for weekends

If you love someone, why not just tell them?

Remember, you’re great and unique

And unless anything terrible happens

I’ll hopefully see you next week

 

Thanks for reading x

 

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The Fresh Prince of Blog-Air

Fresh Prince 2

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute

There is no catch

I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Sandbach

In East Cheshire, Poynton, I was born and raised

On Deva fields was where I spent most of my days

Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool

And playing some football when outside of school

When a couple of guys wearing ridiculous hats

Started making trouble and acting like twats

I got in one little fight and because I was puny

My mum said ‘Enough, get your arse off to Uni’

Because my A-levels took a while to master

I fucked up my grades and ended up in Lancaster

But it turned out to be the best fail of my life

As I met a girl there who ended up as my wife

No plans after Uni; and so, like a fool

I followed my class mates and went to Law School

My girlfriend seemed keen, but I thought I would test her

By fucking off for a year, and living in Chester

When I graduated there, I phoned up, tried to reach her

But it turned out she fancied becoming a teacher

So as soon as I moved back and explained my needs

She bid me farewell, and pissed off to Leeds.

By that point, however, I’d got down on one knee

And asked if she thought she’d do better than me

She decided she couldn’t, so just like Beyoncé

I put a ring firmly on it, and got a fiancé

Just one year later, we were together at last

And all of this is now a thing of the past

She applied for some jobs, of which there were two

And before long she got one, and then we both knew

We’d be moving ‘cross Cheshire to buy our first house

I was settling down with my soon-to-be spouse

Because we were young, and not very rich

We bought a semi-detached house, in Middlewich

Then, after a while, we decided to move on

To be nearer her job, and with that we were gone

I hired a van and when it came near

The license plate fell off and it had mould in the mirror

If anything I could say that this van was rare

But by that point I frankly didn’t fucking care

We pulled up to our house about seven or eight

And I yelled to the neighbours ‘We’re the people you’ll hate’

I looked at my kingdom, I was in my new patch

To sit on my throne as the Prince of Sandbach

Fresh Prince

 

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It’s a Blog’s Life

SOMETIMES…

 

Sometimes it’s one of those weeks

Sometimes nothing goes right

Sometimes the world is against you

Sometimes you’re losing the fight

 

Sometimes the weather turns freezing

Sometimes your drive home gets dark

Sometimes each part of you aches

Sometimes you’re missing that spark

 

Sometimes your children are feral

Sometimes they leave you in bits

Sometimes you’re constantly shouting

When they take it in turns to be shits

 

Sometimes your job becomes manic

Sometimes you can’t see an end

Sometimes you crave time alone

Sometimes you can’t face your friends

 

Sometimes your house is a pigsty

Sometimes you just want to nap

Sometimes the kitchen gets ruined

And all that you cook turns out crap

 

Sometimes your hair looks appalling

Sometimes your suit starts to rip

Sometimes you plan something special

Then an airline fucks up your trip

 

Sometimes your car is plain filthy

Sometimes you scrub off the grime

Sometimes it rains shortly after

So the whole thing was a waste of time

 

Sometimes your car starts to smell bad

Sometimes you’re ashamed that it’s yours

Sometimes you buy an air freshener

But it smells like an old lady’s drawers

 

Sometimes your car hits a pothole

Sometimes you wish you’d got rid

Sometimes you need two new tyres

That cost over two hundred quid

 

Sometimes your headache lasts ages

Sometimes it hurts just to stand

Sometimes you sneeze while you’re driving

And you get it all over your hand.

 

Sometimes your football team hates you

Sometimes they’re especially bad

Sometimes you wish you could dump them

Because they make you so angry and sad

 

Sometimes you miss your grandparents

Sometimes you miss your old dog

Sometimes it helps to share feelings

(Well, there was bugger all else for this blog)

 

Sometimes you think no one’s reading

Sometimes the words will not flow

Sometimes you think about stopping

Because surely no one would know?

 

Sometimes everything’s rubbish

Sometimes you slump and ask ‘why?’

Sometimes it hurts just to think straight

When it’s all you can do not to cry…..

 

… But sometimes there are terrorists shooting

Sometimes an island’s destroyed

Sometimes there are massacres and hurricanes

That kill men, women, young girls and boys

 

Sometimes you need some perspective

Sometimes you need a deep breath

Sometimes life could be worse

When there’s hunger, starvation and death

 

Sometimes that trip is just money

Sometimes the car doesn’t matter

Sometimes your team may improve

Come what may, you’ll still be a Hatter

 

Sometimes the house can stay messy

Sometimes ‘fuck it’ is the best thing to say

Sometimes just look at your children

Be glad they’re healthy and happy each day

 

Sometimes when life gets you down

Sometimes when your outlook seems bleak

Sometimes just forget all life’s worries

Because one day, there’ll be no ‘next week’…

 

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Happy BlogDay, Son

On Monday, we celebrated seven years since

The day when (with rather more than a wince)

My wife gave birth to our eldest son

Her oven pushed forth a small wrinkly bun

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It’s fair to say we expected a girl

But everything happened in so much of a whirl

It took me a while to realise with joy

That our first ever baby, was actually a boy

My wife is a teacher at an all-boys school

And during her pregnancy set a strict rule

To avoid the names of some kids who she taught

Which made it quite tough, but after some thought

There was one we agreed on, so we told the midwives

That Oliver Martin had entered our lives

He was cleaned and weighed, an outfit arranged

Then I had my first cuddle, and everything changed

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I cried like a girl, I’ll gladly admit

Overcome with emotion, and scared half to shit

I was now responsible (along with my wife)

For the safety and wellbeing of this tiny life

As I sat there, proudly holding my lad

All I could think was “Fuck me, I’m a Dad!”

I’m sure that I speak for my wife and I, when

I say that it’s been quite the whirlwind since then

There’s been feeding, and screaming, and teething, and naps

Not to mention all manner and colour of craps

He learned to crawl, and then stand, and then walk, and then run

And before we knew it he’d gone and turned one

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Now here we are six more years along

It’s fair to say that I’ve got some things wrong

But I try the very best to do what I can

To raise a polite, well-mannered and respectful young man

He’s handsome and clever; he’s wacky and fun

I couldn’t be prouder to call him my son

He supports Stockport County, just like his Dad

But this particular Hatter, is especially mad

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There is honestly no feeling that I enjoy more

Than seeing his face light up when County score

We’ve shared joy and elation, disappointment and tears

(He even ignores all the swearing he hears)

I know that his childhood won’t always last

But it’s sad to think how he’s growing up fast

It’s his last year in Infants; done his first SATs exam

Match of the Day is his favourite programme

He’s learning guitar, and just lost his first tooth

I wish life could slow down, to tell you the truth

But for now, I’ll just watch him, and try to enjoy

The years we have left while he’s my little boy

It might seem quite soppy, but I’m just trying to say

How proud I am of him (in my own unique way)

Oliver Martin, you are second-to-none

So, this blog is for you…

Happy Birthday, son.

 

 

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Every Blog Has His Day

Last Sunday, as I am sure you are already aware, was Father’s Day. If you weren’t already aware, then it’s probably too late to get him a card now, and you’ve got some making up to do.

Like Mother’s Day, this has become an opportunity for card manufacturers to cash in, so I was especially chuffed to see that my boys had in fact made their own cards for me. This meant a lot more to me than a purchased sentiment about how awesome I am. I mean, I am fucking awesome, don’t get me wrong, but I would rather they told me that in their own words (without swearing like their old man, naturally).

Having said that, I don’t think Father’s Day is as commercial as Mother’s Day. Ok, the card manufacturers still rub their hands together with glee for both occasions, but the florists and chocolatiers aren’t quite as enthused about the Dads. Whereas Mother’s Day is all about the bouquets, afternoon teas and boxes of chocolates, Father’s Day is much more simple: pub and an afternoon nap. Sorted.

Now, my wife would argue there is nothing special about a trip to the pub and an afternoon nap, bearing in mind this is my masterplan for most Sundays, but there is one subtle difference on Father’s Day – she isn’t allowed to complain about it. Not that she ever does anyway, but it’s nice to know I have the fall-back position of relying on my ‘get out of jail free’ card, if she does start to grumble about the fact my ‘nap’ has now entered its third hour – which is more sleep than she usually gets all night: it’s my special day, so I should be able to do what I want.

Father’s Day is a time for remembering the menfolk of the world, including those Dads and Grandads who are sadly no longer with us. I don’t think any of us would dare to suggest we have it harder than the mums, but that doesn’t mean we have it easy either. Being a Dad can be a tough job, and I sometimes wish that the naff greetings cards the likes of Clintons churn out would reflect that.

So, with that in mind, I’ve had a go at writing my own poem about being a Dad. Enjoy.

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Being a Dad can be tricky

Being a Dad can be tough

You’re supposed to stop swearing and farting

And walking around in the buff

 

That first ever cuddle is amazing

I cried like a girl, I’ll admit

But the novelty starts to wear off

When you’re up to your elbows in shit

 

Babies only come with three settings

There’s ‘sleep’ and then ‘crap’ and then ‘cry’

And you’ll never predict which one’s coming

No matter how hard you might try

 

The stuff babies need is astounding

I must have spent thousands of pounds

And believe me when I say that a ‘breast pump’

Is not nearly as sexy as it sounds

 

It all starts with the changing of nappies

Cleaning bottoms of numerous poos

Then before you know it they’re walking

And you’re spending a fortune on shoes

 

Their first word is a magical moment

That first ‘Daddy’ will make you choke up

But wait ‘til a month or so later

And you’ll be wishing they’d shut the fuck up

 

You’ll know every ‘Peppa Pig’ character

Want to tear Nanny Plum limb from limb

If you’re lucky you’ll avoid Justin Fletcher

(there’s something seriously not right about him)

 

Before you know it, you’re having another

“Maybe this time we’ll get it right?”

Only later, you realise that’s bollocks

As you cry yourself to sleep every night

 

Child number two is a nightmare

Doesn’t sleep, likes to fight, is a pain

And you make a promise with your partner

There’s no way that you’ll do this again

 

Kiss goodbye to relaxing holidays

A night out? That’s a thing of the past

The house you were once so proud of

Now resembles a nuclear blast

 

You’ll be knackered and struggle to function

Find it tricky to even converse

As you pray that brown stain is just chocolate

And not something so very worse

 

But for every night with no sleep

There’s a day when they just melt your heart

There’s a giggle, a hug and a kiss

For each scream and explosive fart

 

Each shirt ruined by vomit or wee spray

Is paid for by a wonderful smile

Getting handmade cards from your boys

Makes the whole bloody thing so worthwhile

 

Show your kids just how much you adore them

Don’t waste time being grumpy or sad

Ok, it’s not the easiest job ever

But it’s the best damn job I’ve ever had.

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