On Sunday, it’s December

Which means it’s nearly time

To start discussing Christmas

Without it being a crime

 

Guy Fawkes has been cremated

The fireworks have gone boom

It’s time to get your tree up

And decorate the room

 

Put on that wacky jumper,

novelty socks and, heck

While we’re fucking at it

Shove a mince pie down yer neck

 

For the first-time since last Christmas

It’s all right to drink sherry

In fact, have what you like, mate

Whatever makes you merry

 

That’s the best thing ’bout Christmas

The joy of festive cheer

It’s eating, drinking, doing stuff

You wouldn’t dare throughout the year

 

You wouldn’t eat sprouts in April

Have ‘one more choc’ when full

A dry turkey stuffing sandwich?

(“Nah, turkey’s fucking dull”)

 

If you heard Mariah in August

You’d want to punch her in the throat

But once we reach December

I’ll try to reach each note

 

I swear old Shakin’ Stevens

Must hibernate all year

And it won’t be long ’til Noddy

and Wizzard will appear

 

That first door on the Advent

First jingle of sleigh bell

“Would you like some sprouts, Sir?”

“Oh go on, what the hell.”

 

Look, sprouts are fucking awful

There’s little else I hate

But sitting down on Christmas Day

I’ll heap them on my plate

 

That first visit from the big man

When the Rotary come round

(We all know it’s just ‘Fat Tony’

but the kids are still spellbound)

 

It’s cold and wet and windy

But it’s ok, ’cause we know

If it’s cold and wet and windy

It might just turn to snow

 

Sat watching school nativities

When no parent will admit

They’ve lost all feeling in their arse

and the acting has been shit

 

The office Christmas Party

‘Dad Dancing’ with aplomb

Getting Janice from Accounts

To down a Jagerbomb

 

Now we’ve reached December

It’s the magic of Yuletide

When common sense and decency

Are quickly cast aside

 

You can eat until you’re queasy

and drink until you’re pissed

It’s your one chance to go mental

So why try to resist?

 

Make the most of next month, folks

For soon it will be gone

I wish you all much festive cheer

Merry Christmas everyone x