On Sunday, it’s December
Which means it’s nearly time
To start discussing Christmas
Without it being a crime
Guy Fawkes has been cremated
The fireworks have gone boom
It’s time to get your tree up
And decorate the room
Put on that wacky jumper,
novelty socks and, heck
While we’re fucking at it
Shove a mince pie down yer neck
For the first-time since last Christmas
It’s all right to drink sherry
In fact, have what you like, mate
Whatever makes you merry
That’s the best thing ’bout Christmas
The joy of festive cheer
It’s eating, drinking, doing stuff
You wouldn’t dare throughout the year
You wouldn’t eat sprouts in April
Have ‘one more choc’ when full
A dry turkey stuffing sandwich?
(“Nah, turkey’s fucking dull”)
If you heard Mariah in August
You’d want to punch her in the throat
But once we reach December
I’ll try to reach each note
I swear old Shakin’ Stevens
Must hibernate all year
And it won’t be long ’til Noddy
and Wizzard will appear
That first door on the Advent
First jingle of sleigh bell
“Would you like some sprouts, Sir?”
“Oh go on, what the hell.”
Look, sprouts are fucking awful
There’s little else I hate
But sitting down on Christmas Day
I’ll heap them on my plate
That first visit from the big man
When the Rotary come round
(We all know it’s just ‘Fat Tony’
but the kids are still spellbound)
It’s cold and wet and windy
But it’s ok, ’cause we know
If it’s cold and wet and windy
It might just turn to snow
Sat watching school nativities
When no parent will admit
They’ve lost all feeling in their arse
and the acting has been shit
The office Christmas Party
‘Dad Dancing’ with aplomb
Getting Janice from Accounts
To down a Jagerbomb
Now we’ve reached December
It’s the magic of Yuletide
When common sense and decency
Are quickly cast aside
You can eat until you’re queasy
and drink until you’re pissed
It’s your one chance to go mental
So why try to resist?
Make the most of next month, folks
For soon it will be gone
I wish you all much festive cheer
Merry Christmas everyone x
