My Blogcentennial

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A little over four years ago

I sat in my office and stared at the snow

Looked down at my files, and, feeling forlorn

I started to write, and this blog was born

 

I work as a lawyer, as most of you know

But wish that I didn’t, it’s got me quite low

So, thinking about my one true passion

A weekly blog, I started to fashion

 

In truth, at first, looking back with reflection

My writing was random, no sense of direction

Part autobiography, part family tree

I focused on the stuff that was personal to me

 

I decided to call my blog ‘Sandbach Chatter’

But I wrote about things which don’t really matter

And soon I realised the more favoured releases

Were about our boys, and the ‘ranting’ style pieces

 

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So, with public opinion suitably gauged

I realised I was becoming more middle-raged

I changed to ‘Confessions of a Middle-Raged Dad’

Which turned out to be the best idea I’ve had

 

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The rather dry posts about my childhood days

The films that I like, computer games played

Were increasingly swapped for harsh diatribe

As that seemed to get more folks to subscribe

 

I gathered more followers, and after a while

Developed my own unique writing style

At first apprehensive, and a little bit wary

I grew in confidence and got rather sweary

 

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And even though I have no fame or money

I love writing about what I find funny

The only thing better is when you guys laugh too

For that I’m eternally grateful to you.

 

There’s been rants about cars (especially Ford)

Elton John’s lyrics and flying abroad

Building a Wendy house, getting stuck in Ikea

(I barely survived, it’s my one greatest fear)

 

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The beach, the weather, nursery rhymes

The show ‘Take Me Out’, social media crimes

World domination – I set out my plan

While explaining I’m hardly the manliest man

 

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A flight to Norwich, a UK road trip

I then started running and fucked up my hip

I visited my local osteopath

But she said I was ‘stiff’ and I started to laugh

 

I’ve played rounders with work, badminton with some friends

Spent hours at ‘soft play’ on countless weekends

The lands of CBeebies, that bitch Peppa Pig

And then Euro Disney (it’s so fucking big)

 

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A trip to the dentist, an awkward position

That time I collapsed when I saw my optician

I’m not much a swimmer, and can’t really dance

I pass out quite a bit, I’m no good at romance

 

Speaking of which, gave ‘Love Island’ a try

But within fifteen minutes was left asking why?

The phrases on Love Hearts, they’re just as bad

‘Cwtch Me’, in particular, got me quite mad

 

I discussed Valentine’s, and displays of affection

Then mocked the US Presidential Election

I gave the Super Bowl a genuine go

But fell asleep before the big half-time show

 

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I tried public speaking, and astrology

I re-wrote the Christmas nativity

I’ve admitted my fondness for Eurovision

And my hatred of Hastings after last year’s collision

 

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A weekend entertaining Ollie’s class bear

(his name’s also Isaac, but he has shorter hair)

And speaking of which, I have to admit

I’m jealous of Isaac not giving a shit

 

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People laugh at his hair, they think he’s a she

But I’d give my left arm to be half as pretty

When he started school, I had a good laugh

Though the blog which I wrote got passed ‘round the staff

 

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A caravan holiday, camping at school

Misplacing my balls in a cold outdoor pool

A ferry to Ireland, to see an old friend

His surprise birthday party was fun to attend

 

Ollie’s visit to Barca a resounding success, he

toured round the Camp Nou and got to see Messi

While back here in England, wind started to blow

Roads ground to a halt with a dusting of snow

 

I re-wrote the two-year development checks

And a poem for Ollie when he asked about sex

A new royal baby, press camped on the roof

Kate Middleton pushing a prince out her foof

 

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I tried to diet, when I noticed weight gain

Compared my ideas to the ‘sperm in my brain’

I’ve criticised Barclays, slagged off Facebook

Become the tooth fairy (that was a good look)

 

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I tried single-parenting when my wife went away

She left Monday morning, I gave up by Tuesday

Isaac’s first disco, our boys got girlfriends

Had a row at a quiz with a team of bellends

 

Compared all my clients to the Mr. Men

Had the same work appraisal again and again

Had a fight with a moth, criticised Halloween

Got chased by a Volvo like a James Bond chase scene

 

I’ve visited BrewDog to sample some beer

Ran ten 10k races in the space of a year

Collapsed at Whitchurch and as my reward

Was rushed to hospital, spent the night on a ward

 

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My ‘team’ of old men really gave me a fright

When I didn’t think they would all last through the night

I’ve given up chocolate, I’ve started to cook

Explained why I swear (but I don’t give a fuck)

 

That’s why I love writing, the freedom I have

To post what I want, and make people laugh

If you all stopped reading, I think I’d still write

But I’d have much less fun and it wouldn’t feel right

 

So, thanks for the likes, the comments and shares

It gives me a tingle in the fella downstairs

Another two hundred though? Well, we shall see

For now, I’ll just wish Happy Blogday to me!

 

Thanks for reading – cheers x

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The Ol’ Blog and Chain

When I started to blog, just a few years ago

And the size of my readership began to grow

My wife made one point perfectly clear:

If I wrote about her, I’d be out on my ear

Since then, I’ve mentioned her just once or twice

But I think you’ll agree I have always been nice

This blog, however, is all about her

I just hope by the end that my readers concur

I’ve said nothing amiss, I’ve done nothing wrong –

She never said anything about writing a song.

 

The reason this entry is about my dear wife

(apart from the fact she’s a huge part of my life)

Is that Monday will see the day thirteen years since

She turned in the church and said (with a wince)

‘Go on, I suppose, if no one else will’

And then we were married – and married we are still.

Thirteen years, you’ll agree, is a very long time

(I’d get less for murder… or a similar crime)

I’m joking, of course, it’s gone rather well

We rarely disagree, hardly shout, never yell

There’s a very good reason why we seldom fight:

I always back down – because she’s always right.

 

I met her at Uni, on my very first day

I thought she was nuts (she thought I was gay)

Ok, that’s not true, but since the end of that week

Barely a day has gone by, where we didn’t speak

She studied History, while I studied Law

I’d never met anyone like her before

She collected sheep – not real ones of course

She liked Agatha Christie, and Inspector Morse

She could play violin, the piano and sing

Charles I, strangely, was her favourite king

We watched the same movies, our tastes were alike

(despite her obsession with old Dick Van Dyke)

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Her fave film of all time, bizarrely, was ‘Clue’

She was slightly fanatical about Scooby Doo

But otherwise our tastes would oft coincide

(leaving her musicals love to one side)

And when it came to music, I realised with glee

She owned a lot of the same albums as me

There were exceptions of course – she had Abba and Queen

Plus, she didn’t despise Ocean Colour Scene

But those little differences are what made us click

And she didn’t seem put off when I acted a prick

She humoured my nerdiness, embraced my weird

Suddenly, from nowhere, confidence appeared

By the time our first year came to an end

It was clear she’d become my very best friend.

 

When we first started dating, back in ‘99

I’d walk over to her house, she’d cycle to mine

I realised I loved her, and as that love grew

She took me to Edinburgh in 2002

It seemed like the right time to get down on one knee

And ask if she wouldn’t mind marrying me

Then two years later, on July Thirty-First

She agreed to have me, for better or worse

In sickness and health, ‘til death us do part

(despite her loud snoring, and the fact that I fart).

 

And now, nearly five thousand days later

I still don’t believe I could find someone greater

She’s my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life

I’m so very lucky to have her as my wife

Since then she has given me two special boys

Our clean, quiet home, is now all mess and noise

But I wouldn’t have it any other way

As I think back to that bright July day

The boys can annoy us, make us want to scream

But at the end of the day, we’re a pretty good team

So, as I look forward to those years to come

Here’s to the perfect wife, best friend, and Mum

 

Happy Anniversary x

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