On Tuesday evening I went for a run
My first in eight weeks, I’ll admit it was fun
I know that I’ve grumbled and said in the past
That running is shit, but that wouldn’t last
People said “It’s addictive, becomes like a drug”
And I think I might’ve now caught the bug
So, for something I’ve always said that I hate
I take it all back – because now I feel great.
Having not run in ages, I suffered with nerves
As I undressed after work and noticed my curves
I donned my compression top, so I’d look my best
(it constricts my belly, and flattens my chest)
It’s bad enough for ladies spotting my wobbly bits
Without getting jealous of these massive tits
I’d rather they focused on my legs and ass
Craning their necks as I go flying past.
I put on my shorts and my snazzy blue shoes
My bright yellow top so I’m easily viewed
(The driving in Sandbach is generally shit
and it’s bad enough running without being hit)
I needed music, so grabbed my mp3
Did some warm-up stretches and went for a wee
And then I was ready, so despite feeling crap
I opened the door and set my Strava app.
I left our estate to the main Sandbach road
Plodding along like a bright yellow toad
But I felt pretty good and soon realised
I was enjoying a pastime I’d always despised
Although if you are local and happened to pass
(no doubt craning your neck to check out my ass)
You might have noticed me put on an act –
(look like I was dying, to be more exact).
I started to realise my speed and physique
And the fact that I’m clearly at my fitness peak
Could attract some attention and cause a backlash
Upset other runners, or make drivers crash
So, I slowed down my pace and limped as I ran
To make you all think I’m a wreck of a man
After months of not running, it wouldn’t be fair
To be the world’s greatest athlete, make others despair.
I pretended my breathing was laboured and strained
My limbs were on fire, my energy drained
I rubbed my right hip and clutched at my chest
Faked pain in my knee, looked fairly depressed
I started to cry like a little lost boy
When they were really tears of unbridled joy
I pretended I was struggling and generally unfit
(which is why I stopped and walked for a bit).
After all, I realised my pace was so brisk
The 5k world record was likely at risk
But what was the point if my time wouldn’t count
No medal or trophy, no podium to mount?
I couldn’t see Guinness sending someone to mine
To be waiting with a stopwatch at the finish line
So I delayed my record to a future run
And continued the act to fool everyone.
I slowed to a walk, then for any sceptic
I heaved in a hedge and faked getting sick
If you went past, you just might have seen
I brought up something quite sticky and green
But that wasn’t phlegm, the performance was fake
(it was actually my earlier enzyme shake)
While you may have spotted me heaving and pale
What I actually produced was some digested kale.
I then struggled on and developed a cough
Told a few passing motorists to kindly ‘fuck off’
(that part was real if you happened to see
since the drivers in question had tried to kill me)
I reached the half-way point at Sandbach train station
Then waddled back home like a wounded crustacean
A few more times I walked for a bit
To maintain the façade I was generally shit.
Despite my performance, a sprint’s in my genes
So nearer to home I gave it the beans
Flew down our road and at the finish line ducked
Then nearly keeled over and claimed to be fucked
The truth was I’d smashed it and really felt ace
Despite the anguished look on my face
I unlocked the door and stepped in our house
Ready to be met by my proud kids and spouse.
I’d run over 5k and despite a few rests
I was delighted – a personal best
(ok, that’s not true, as the furthest I’ve run
was nearly eight miles in baking hot sun)
But my first run in weeks was still a good test
and back then I didn’t have this belly and breasts
I felt pretty awesome, so I’ll admit that I lied
When I told the boys that I thought I had died.
Ok, I was limping and holding my back
And I’m sure I felt sweat creeping down my arse crack
My breathing was laboured, my cheeks had a blush
But that was just from the endorphin rush
If you saw me in pain, I was only lying
I bloody love running, it’s my new favourite thing
In fact, I’ve already planned my next run day….
I should be good to go again some time next May.
Thanks for reading x