Hi there.

Followers of my Facebook page may be aware that, over the last week or so, I have penned a couple of *entirely original* songs about the current COVID-19 situation (with particular emphasis on being stuck at home), but some people have since pointed out that the first was apparently similar to Blur’s 1994 hit ‘Parklife’, while the more recent song was seemingly a little like ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ by Steeler’s Wheel.

So, to avoid any further potential legal wrangles, I can assure you that the following poem is 100% my own work, 100% accurate, and 100% funny. I hope you like it (and, if you don’t, you can keep your damn opinions to yourself).



I’ve been stuck in the house for five weeks now
Apart from a few trips for food
But those outings were hardly much fun
As the shoppers were stupid and rude.

I have an office set up in the corner
And I’m working from home when I can
But my new colleagues are making things tricky
So my routine isn’t going to plan.

Ollie is tired and grumpy
The slightest thing sours his mood
While Isaac is increasingly feral
And spends most of each day in the nude.

In fact they’re as bad as each other
Ok, I’ve been days without socks
But at least I am putting clean pants on
I am sick of the sight of their cocks

Isaac’s hair is now straggly and knotted
You can’t predict when he’ll next attack
One second he’ll be playing with toys
The next he has jumped on your back

I am badly in need of a haircut
I haven’t had a shave for three days
I sometimes forget what the day is
And just wander around in a haze

I’m using up emergency loo roll
Which I grabbed in the panic-buy farce
But the damn stuff is so cheap and nasty
It’s like sandpaper wiping my arse

The posher stuff isn’t much better
As it’s balmed with deluxe coconut
If I want my arse smelling of Bounty
I’ll stick a bar straight up my butt

I’m drinking more booze than before this
It’s become an unfortunate trend
To suddenly proclaim Wednesday lunchtime
“Hurrah! It’s now the weekend!”

I’ve got through a bottle of spiced rum
But at least I am able to say
If I add a few slices of lime in
I’ve had one of my five a day

I’ve been snacking far more than I should be
And I’m certain my nob hasn’t shrunk
But when I look down in the shower
My gut now eclipses my junk

I did Joe Wicks’ workouts for one week
But rather than getting me fit
I then struggled to walk up the stairs
And cried when I sat down to shit

But for each isolation struggle
And for every time that we’ve cried
I try to find something uplifting
To look on the positive side

My family are (generally) healthy
And many folk have it much worse
I could be trained as a doctor
Or be working right now as a nurse

I’m saving a fortune in fuel costs
As I don’t have a daily commute
I can wear shorts at my desk if I want to
There’s no need to be dressed in a suit

Let’s applaud all of our key workers
Risking their lives for the rest
Think about what others are facing
Whenever you’re grumpy or stressed

Every one of us needs to work through this
Stick together whenever we can
Patience and friendship and laughter
Every child and woman and man

There is always somebody who’ll listen
To be there if you needed to chat
So whenever you’re struggling to focus
Please try just to focus on that.

Keep going folks.

Thanks for reading x



4 thoughts on “Blogdown

  1. Alice Kenny says:

    I honestly love your blog! But I only discovered it a couple of weeks ago so therefore have been reading my way through all the entries. But I got part way through 2016 and my phone decided to refresh the whole page and now I can’t find where I was and when I try searching 2016, no entries come up for 2016 🙈 I did try to find a way to message you but couldn’t, so this is a last resort 🙈😂 I’m really hoping you reply (as it would genuinely make my day!) but also as a hope that you may have a solution!
    Thank you 🙂
    P.S. I vaguely remember you possibly saying you disliked emojis, and I do apologies – however I am 24 and apparently appear until to message anything/anyone without them!


    • Hi Alice,

      Thanks so much for leaving your comment (and for spending so much time working back through all the entries – you’re right, I started blogging in 2015!).

      I’ve looked into this for you, and sadly WordPress is quite basic, so while I can see a list of all the entries going back to the very start, it turns out my ‘followers’ can’t for some reason. Unless there is a search option I am missing.

      The only way of going through all of them would be to scroll down the main homepage, as each new entry simply appears on top of the last, but that would take a very long time.

      If you wanted to e-mail me at, we can try to work out where you were up to, and I can send you some links for any entries since then that you might be interested in?




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