‘Twas The Blog Before Christmas (2019)

‘Twas the blog before Christmas, two-thousand-nineteen

Thirty-six further entries, published and seen

For the fifth year running, here’s my audit

Of a year’s worth of blogging (and most of it’s shit)

 

JANUARY

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To kick off the year, the Christmas just past

With my family and kids the hilarious cast

A stain on the carpet, a book about cock

A visit to Stockport when I got quite a shock

A woman out shopping, living the dream

Wearing her dressing gown and drinking cream

Then in ‘Blog Habits’, I set out a year

of novelty months (the reasons weren’t clear)

And following that, for a little fun

I wrote a play all about our school run

 Both boys pushing me nearer my grave

When all I wanted was a shower and shave

To finish the month, my appraisal at work

(I re-wrote the questions because I’m a jerk)

 

FEBRUARY

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To kick start month two, we gave up the chocs

Even the boys went full-on detox

Isaac especially became rather quiet

(because chocolate comprises most of his diet)

I then wrote an entry about my hometown

And described how our ‘shared space’ was built by a clown

Pedestrians and cars must give way to all

And every day there’s a crash or a brawl

 

MARCH

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In a break from driving me around the bend

At the start of March, the boys got girlfriends

But just as my respect for each of them grew

It transpired that neither of the girls knew

Then ‘I’ll Have A P Please, Blog’, I went to a quiz

With colleagues, my boss and some friends of his

But, unfortunately, the place where we sat

Was next to a table of four stuck-up twats

Next it was ‘BrewBlog’, where beer got tasted

Out with my mate, and the two of us wasted

The ‘hyper’ Tallulah our annoying host

(but it was beer mixed with cheese which upset me the most)

Then over to Hastings, my useless insurer

Their service honestly could not have been poorer

And ending the month, it was entry two hundred

‘How the fuck’s he got this far?’ everyone wondered

But in my ‘Blogcentennial’, it seemed rather apt

To have four years of entries succinctly recapped.

 

APRIL

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Three blog posts in April was all you would get

The first one a list of celebs I have met

To anyone reading I made it quite clear

I’d like to meet someone A-List this year (I haven’t)

I explained how my anger is out of control

(if you didn’t like that one, then you’re an arsehole)

To finish the month, we thought for a lark

We’d go on an Easter Hunt ‘round Tatton Park

But it ended in shouting and tears instead

When Isaac fell from a tree onto his head

 

MAY

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I started with footy as we moved into May

My team were promoted and later that day

I treated young Ollie to the club’s gala dinner

(If there’s a Dad of the Year Award I must be a winner)

In ‘Blog of the Dump’ Isaac turned five

And a kid at his party scared me alive

The weird little rat-girl (who wasn’t a guest)

Tried to steal all his presents, the vile little pest

A trip then to York for a nice little break

Where Isaac was feral and mostly ate cake

Before I wrote ‘bout the phone system I have in my car

It sends pre-programmed texts, but I took it too far

By suggesting my own, like ‘I should go by train’

and ‘I’m stuck behind a fucking tractor again’

Lastly, I wrote about ‘Biff, Chip and Kipper’

And the books that I read back when I was a nipper.

 

JUNE

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Just three entries in June, with Sports Day to start

Typically, Isaac refused to take part

Eventually persuaded, he ran in four races

Two golds and two silvers, his collection of places

Our trip to the circus was a bit of a farce

It was no ‘Greatest Showman’ (and no Zendaya’s arse)

But Isaac had fun watching acrobats fly

Then the clown sprayed his face, which of course made him cry

 

JULY

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If you thought June was sparse, then July’s count was two

So, I tried to make both extra special for you

The first was all about Ollie’s first gig

A festival in Yorkshire (I thought I’d go big)

Stood right at the front in his massive band shirt

The crowd formed a barrier, so he didn’t get hurt

His class then cooked lunch for their parents at school

An ‘Italian Café’ which was pretty cool

The main course was pizza, which was nice but I gotta

Say that I preferred his dessert panna cotta

 

AUGUST

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I then tried out something I’d not done before

My first ever threesome I thought I’d explore

Don’t jump to conclusions though, I need you to note

The only ‘entries’ were the ones that I wrote

A trilogy, in fact, about our glamping trip

Stuck in a lodge, not getting much kip

‘Don’t Let The Bed Blogs Bite’, Parts 1 to 3

Carnivorous insects tried to eat me

Our hosts were straight out of Deliverance

(I think they’d have killed us if given the chance)

But both boys had fun, so I shouldn’t complain

Although, I doubt I’ll ever go glamping again

 

SEPTEMBER

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More outdoor fun as we moved to September

‘The Twiggles and Bloggles’ you might just remember

A trip to ‘Bewilderwood’, climbing up trees

(I got myself lost when I went for a wee)

Then ‘Blog to School’, an entry which featured

Putting my foot in it with Isaac’s new teacher

Following that, Isaac’s YouTube obsession

A girl group who fill me with rage and aggression

A family of sisters singing terrible songs

Everything about them is so fucking wrong

 

OCTOBER

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I then published ‘Another Blog In The Wall’

Going to parents’ evening in the school hall

My wife was away, so I went on my own

I might have refused, if only I’d known

I’d embarrass myself and book the wrong times

(to mention just two of my most heinous crimes)

Remaining with school, in ‘Blogz In The Hood’

I explained how this month I thought it would

Be nice to go drinking with my two oldest mates

Though one got accosted outside our school gates

Lastly I wrote about Ollie’s foul mood

He was grumpy, and sulky, and just downright rude

Then one of the mums scared the life out of me

By explaining he’s probably near puberty.

 

NOVEMBER

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I wrote in November about how I look

My body is shoddy, but I don’t give a fuck

If you’re healthy and happy, then really who cares?

(though I’d still add some length to the fella downstairs)

In ‘Mary’s Blog Child’ just a few weeks ago

We ended the month thinking reindeer and snow

For once it’s December it’s no longer absurd

If anyone mentions the dreaded C-Word

(No, Christmas)

 

DECEMBER

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Just two final entries to finish the year

(so my round-up is ending, and I’m off for a beer)

The first of the two was called ‘BlogDay Cards’

And I wrote about I found it quite hard

To get famous people to send to our house

Signed birthday cards addressed to my spouse

So thanks Norwich City and especially Dan Snow

(whereas John Barrowman knows where he can go)

And ending the year, as I fill up my cup

The ‘Blog Before Christmas’ – this poetic round-up

Another year done folks, and you know I adore

Each of you readers, so to you and yours

I raise up my glass and give festive cheer

Merry Christmas you rabble, and Happy New Year!

Thank you all, as ever, for reading. I hope each and every one of my followers has a fantastic Christmas and thank you for humouring me for another twelve months. You have no idea how much writing this blog and posting random garbage on my Facebook page keeps me sane at times, so thank you.

Merry Christmas x

 

 

 

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