‘Twas the blog before Christmas, a third year completed
Forty-four more entries, to which you’ve been treated
And now that it’s customary, here’s my review
Of the last twelve months – lucky old you.
JANUARY
We started in January, with blog ninety-nine
New Year’s Resolutions – a problem of mine
I sought inspiration from a website
But their ten suggestions turned out to be shite
The following week, in entry one hundred
I explained how, for a while, I had wondered
Whether quitting this blog was the right thing to do
I love all my readers, but there’s only a few
My fanbase is tiny, the numbers are shit
But at the last second, I chose not to quit
If one blog goes viral, I’ll conquer the net
I remain ever hopeful (though it’s not happened yet)
I battled the weather on the morning commute
A full inch of snow caused a treacherous route
Then, as the month ended, more travelling hassle
As I struggled by train, up to Newcastle
I recounted each station, some desolate places
A pair of young lovers, the sucking of faces
The angriest man, who seemed quite unstable
Purely because I had sat at his table.
FEBRUARY
A look at your horoscope is where Feb began
Our future in stars? I’m not a big fan
Boring Pisceans, giving Librans a miss
(I hope you all saw I was taking the piss)
I then had a birthday, and provided detail
About all the parts of me starting to fail
Pissing too often, and receding hair
I wish I was older, so I didn’t care
Then – without warning – a change to be had
Re-branding to ‘Confessions of a Middle-Raged Dad’
A new Facebook page, my own website domain
(it was a pain in the arse, and won’t happen again)
MARCH
As we moved into March, I hit the end of my tether
When the UK was ‘battered’ by terrible weather
And I posted a blog filled with terrible jokes
About how we name storms after elderly folks
Then a lifestyle change, my biggest this year
I started back running (to combat the beer)
A specialist shop where – thanks to my mate
I tried to run in my pants, so they could see my gait
A misunderstanding, and I looked rather silly
(turns out they weren’t keen on seeing my willy)
Then more awkwardness, as I explained how
I took a trip to my dentist – the sadistic cow
Before ending the month with the country’s worst drivers
And how, if I’m pushed, there will be no survivors.
APRIL
At the beginning of April, I agreed like a fool
To give a talk to some students who are at my wife’s school
Then the following week, I gained a new niece
And thought it appropriate to write a quick piece
Offering advice for new fathers-to-be
About labour, push presents, and ‘shitastrophies’
We took the boys on a trip to CBeebies Land
Never mind that it cost the best part of a grand
We met very weird people – without doubt the best
Was the peculiar lady with a big hairy chest
Lastly came cooking, and why Masterchef
Would be far more appealing were I blind and deaf
This popular show has become a disgrace
Thanks to John Torode and his awful ‘sex face’
MAY
A weird start to May, as some of you read
About my odd thoughts and the ‘sperm’ in my head
Back-to-back birthdays, as Isaac turned three
And the absolute horror that was his party
Then Ollie turned seven – ‘Happy BlogDay, Son’
I explained about how he is second-to-none
While as May concluded, I got poorly sick
And struggled to control my unruly dick
In a bout of fierce coughing, with sore throat and nose
I went to the toilet and pissed on my toes
JUNE
At the beginning of June, I had the nerve and the cheek
To write a blog entry in the middle of the week
A series of questions: just make your selection
Then decide how to vote in the general election
A short trip to Norwich and two things which haunt me
Playing sport with old people, and dips in the sea
Another poem followed in ‘The Blogs and The Bees’
When Ollie asked me how to make babies
I prepared a handy verse, in a desperate bid
To help you when explaining sex to a kid
While in ‘Cracking The Blogs’ I got rather irate
It was so bloody warm I could not concentrate
I gave several reasons why, believe it or not,
We pasty Brits aren’t designed to be hot
And as the month ended, a new kind of heat
With romantic messages in a packet of sweets
They’ve modernised Lovehearts, but I don’t think ‘Swipe Right’
Or ‘Cwtch Me’ is something middle-agers would write
Far more appropriate is ‘I have a headache’
Or ‘Don’t get excited, that orgasm was fake’
JULY
At the start of July was a James Bond-esque farce
About a bint in a Volvo trying to drive up my arse
She followed me daily – I’ve still no clue why
If it was meant to be stealth, she’s the worst fucking spy
Then back onto running with some marathon tips
Like ‘create a mantra’ and ‘grease up those nips’
But no amount of pain, or running through walls
Will see Vaseline slathered over my balls
In the middle of the month, my wife left us alone
So I uncharacteristically had a big moan
She flew off to Germany, on a trip with her school
And Isaac, naturally, behaved like a tool
But despite single-parenting being quite frantic
I forgave her, and the next blog was rather romantic
A poem to celebrate the love of my life
And the thirteen years that she’s been my wife
AUGUST
Our summer holiday comprised this month’s blogs
We spent a week in a caravan, confined with our sprogs
The first entry of three was hastily written
As I explained why it’s good to vacation in Britain
There followed a ‘doubler’ – in ‘Blog Cabin Part One’
I shared my diary from our holiday just gone
We had a great time, though I suspect that I swore
When describing the chavs in the ‘van next door
Two massive women, each the size of a tanker
Seven vile children and one ‘full kit wanker’
Then the conclusion, ‘Blog Cabin Part Two’
Some Evesham skanks and a trip to a zoo
The outdoor pool, where my body went numb
And it took me an hour to locate my scrotum
SEPTEMBER
Just a few months back, you may all remember
Football club nicknames kicked us off in September
Then more of my running as I spent a Sunday
Taking part in my first (and last) Sandbach 10k
There were times when I struggled and though it sounds dumb
I distracted myself with the girl in front’s bum
Next, my law conference at a posh hotel
An attempt at networking that didn’t go well
Surrounded by show-offs and arrogant fuckers
(not to mention two girls who were most likely hookers)
But the month ended well, when our eldest lad
Was the mascot at County – one very proud Dad
OCTOBER
More poetry next, as I’d had a bad week
But I tried to explain that when everything’s bleak
Embrace what you have and enjoy every day
Because sometimes ‘fuck it’ is the best thing to say
In ‘Ernst Stavro Blogfeld’, I wrote about Bond
(a subject on which I have always been fond)
Imagining him as if he were retired
Would he still be so loved and admired?
Volcano lairs, ‘Operation Grand Slam’
Replaced by an eye test and prostate exam
And as the month ended, I became the proud owner
Of two special tickets to watch Barcelona
There’s no doubt that our trip has made Ollie’s year
No Christmas present can hope to come near
It cost me a fortune, but the expense was worthwhile
Just to see my son’s face with the world’s biggest smile
NOVEMBER
I concluded our trip in ‘Blogelona – Part Two’
Enjoying a match at the massive Camp Nou
Sat with my boy, I’ll have to confess he
Brought a tear to my eye while grinning at Messi
Even some low-life stealing from me
Couldn’t spoil our trip, and the memory
Next up – sorry – more running content
As I described my latest fundraising event
Despite saying that 10k still fills me with fear
I’ll be running ten more through the course of next year
Next, for ‘Movember’, I repeated my post
From this time last year – about how it’s the most
Important thing for men to debunk
The myth that they don’t need to check out their junk
And lastly I wondered whether it’s right to get surly
At the mention of Christmas – is November too early?
DECEMBER
In – ‘Bloggy Hell’ – I went for a run
In freezing cold weather, and when I was done
Because I was soaked, and badly unfit
I clung to a bin that was filled with dog shit
Then when I got home, I spent half an hour
Feeling sad for myself looking down in the shower
With E.T.’s red belly I wished I was skinny
But worse, my penis went ‘outy’ to ‘inny’
Finally, last week (with parental warning)
I wrote about the magic of each Christmas morning
The myth of dear Santa, the world’s greatest lie
A fat man with reindeer high up in the sky
So now as St. Nick prepares to take flight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night
***
That my dear friend, brings us to now
So I’ll take my leave, say goodbye, take a bow
I wish you and your loved ones much festive cheer
And fear not, I’ll be back, with more bullshit next year.
Merry Christmas, and thanks for reading x