‘Twas The Blog Before Christmas (2016)

’Twas the blog before Christmas, another year done

Forty-six brand new entries – it’s been a good run

This poem’s a collection of the year’s greatest hits

(although it started off poorly when I contracted the shits)

JANUARY

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I wrote about Peppa, how she drives me insane

And my flight down to Norwich on the worst fucking plane

The month ended with Bowie, who had just passed away

I analysed Labyrinth – in my own unique way

I queried the lyrics to the song ‘Magic Dance’

Bowie’s crush on young Sarah, and that bulge in his pants

FEBRUARY

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February started off crap, with an unpopular list

My fave films of the Eighties, was a blog largely missed

Then came my birthday – Happy Blogday to me!

Thirty-six reasons why it’s a shit age to be

Valentine’s was no better, forget ‘roses are red’

There’s far better ways to prove romance ain’t dead.

MARCH

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March then began, like February before

With the ten Nineties films that I most adore

What followed, was Paddy, and his show ‘Take Me Out’

It’s my guilty pleasure – of that there’s no doubt

I then turned to politics, and revealed my plan

For improving the country, when I’m the top man

March drew to a close with the last blog of three

The best Noughties films (according to me)

APRIL

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A weird start to April, as I discussed my commute

And the ‘friends’ that I meet every day while en route

Like ‘The Angriest Cyclist’ (hope he falls in a ditch)

‘Mr Late’, ‘Fiat Fitty’ and ‘Toyota Dwarf Bitch’

God how I hate her, the maniacal elf

Which lead rather nicely to ‘Go Blog Yourself’

I admitted I swear lots, but sometimes ‘Oh poo’

Just isn’t enough, only ‘fuck off’ will do

Then a break from all that pent-up aggression

As I wrote about Ollie and his sticker obsession

His Panini collection for the Euros comp

Was followed by some girls who had crawled from a swamp

A hen party so ugly, like you would not believe

Each with a face that would make a man heave

I continued the theme with my brother’s stag do

(but there was only so much that I could tell you)

MAY

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This took us to May, and, like a berk

I stupidly agreed to play Rounders with work

Before risking a backlash of jibes and derision

By declaring my fondness for drunk Eurovision

I bought a ‘Parrot’ phone system, but was quick to deduce

That an actual parrot would be more fucking use

Then ‘The Blog Trip’ brought May to an end

Before June started off with Ollie’s new friend

JUNE

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‘Isaac’, the class bear, came with us down South

He wrote about London (with his foul potty-mouth)

Then I went shopping, with varied results

Argos got the worst of my rage and insults

Breakfast became a Shakespearean play

And I ended the month with a nice Father’s Day

JULY

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Into July, and a tale of friendship

As myself and a mate took an epic road trip

Visiting football clubs all ‘round the land

Raising awareness of ‘Kidscan’ – and over two grand

Next, a disaster, as my wife went away

Single parenting – I nearly quit the first day

I know I’m not manly – less man and more mouse

That didn’t stop me building a wendyhouse

Our anniversary comes at the end of July

And sometimes my gift ideas can go awry

To make matters easier, I designed my own list

(although reading it back, I might have been pissed)

AUGUST

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Moving to August, I considered it best

That I re-wrote the two-year development test

‘Can your child thread beads on a shoelace?’ it asked

Along with other potentially life-threatening tasks

I risked splitting the nation in ‘Blog on the Tyne’

It was North v South – but a draw made things fine

I concluded by explaining why I detest the beach

I’d rather sunbathe on nails and dip my toes into bleach.

SEPTEMBER

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The month started sadly – there was no new blog

As we’d just said ‘goodnight’ to Bexley, our dog

Instead I re-posted an entry I’d penned

He was more than our pet, we’d lost our best friend

In ‘Blog on the Dance Floor’, I explained I can’t dance

I’d sooner be up there in only my pants

After which, I wrote about how, on a whim

I decided it’s time I taught Ollie to swim

In ‘Blogman’s Holiday’ I described our home town

Reading it back, did I have a breakdown?

I ended the month choosing my favourite child

But Ollie was mardy and Isaac was wild

Isaac’s now two, and Ollie is six

I love them both dearly, but they can be fucking pricks

OCTOBER

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In ‘Blind as a Blog’, I discussed my eye test

and how I ended the trip as a rampant sex pest

Then in ‘Blogs will be Blogs’ I had a nice day

Taking the boys to our local soft play

But ‘Good Time Charlie’s’ is such a peculiar place

And I ended up hitting a girl in the face

It’s not like I punched her, she walked on the pitch

As I took my free kick, the daft little bi… prat

Back to our own kids, and they again felt my wrath

By behaving like gremlins when they go in the bath

NOVEMBER

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I started November by raising objection

To the candidates fighting the US election

But they must have missed ‘Chilli Blog With Cheese’

As they elected Trump and put the world on it’s knees

We then took the boys to Disneyland Paris

Where they tried their best to upset and embarrass

We also encountered the worst of the Brits

And I ended up, again, with a case of the shits

Keeping things personal, ‘The Blog’s Bollocks’ came next

While I explained how men should have regular checks

Despite starting the month with Trump and Clinton

I ended more cheerfully with some ‘Blogminton’

Despite playing the sport for over a year

I’m still rather shit, and just go for the beer.

DECEMBER

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I started December – last month of the year

Admitting I used to come over all queer

Hardly the most endearing of blogs

When you’re fainting head-first into the ladies’ bogs

The penultimate entry brought festivity

As I re-wrote the usual nativity

Mary and Joseph, three useless ‘wise’ men

A modern take on the story of Jesus, Amen

The year ended with Isaac and a case of the pox

A trip to Volkswagen, and a crummy gift box

A failed trip into Costa, a man searching for fags

A large helping of stress, with a couple of gags.

***

That, my dear friends, is a review of this year

I wish you and your families much festive cheer

Thank you for reading, you make this worthwhile

I hope you enjoy it, and my blog makes you smile

But since I’ve got mince pies and sherry to quaff

That’s it now from me. Sandbach Hatter, signing off.

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See you all in 2017 x

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