Over the past few months, I have been considering whether a change of career might be in order.
This is partly because, rightly or wrongly, I am now too embarrassed to tell people what I do for a living. Even though I have helped thousands of genuine people throughout my career, and trained long and hard to get where I am, it seems all personal injury lawyers get tarred with the same ‘ambulance chaser’ brush these days, so I have started informing people that I am a Tory MP, just to spare myself from the disappointed looks.
All joking aside, there aren’t many jobs that I would be more ashamed to admit to, but ‘Conservative MP’ would certainly be one of them. Considering the Tories won so convincingly at the last election, I only know one person who has openly admitted to voting for them, and even he accepts it was a terrible mistake.
I’m sure running the country isn’t easy, and politicians can never please everyone, but Dave and his public school cronies appear to be particularly distanced from the majority of the population, and no amount of that shiny little turd George Osbourne poncing around on a building site in an ill-fitting hard hat, will convince me otherwise. If he is ‘one of the people’, then I’m a pig’s head.
I’m not suggesting I could do a better job of running Britain, but I feel that there are certain gaps in the laws of our country, certain deficiencies in need of rectification, that would be a far better use of the Government’s time than having a go at doctors, teachers, and the disabled.
Actually, maybe I am suggesting I could do a better job of running Britain – perhaps this is the career move I’ve been looking for after all? I could try and make politics – and politicians – likeable for the first time in…. well, forever.
Look, I’m certainly not the most popular guy in the world, but if I can’t come across better than a Tory MP, there really is no hope for me, and I’m bound to get at least some support.
So, without further ado, I present my ten-point manifesto for improving Britain (none of which, you will note, requires a single budget cut):
1. Premier League Footballers
If you thought the Tories were distanced from real-life, they’ve got nothing on Premier League footballers. You can argue until you’re (Chelsea or Man City) blue in the face who is responsible for the vast chasm in wealth between the ‘greedy’ league and the rest of the footballing world (hint: it’s Sky), but the fact is, there is now an entire generation of young footballers in our top flight who have no idea how lucky they are.
Sadly, the number of kids wanting to play football purely for the love of the game, is being rapidly overtaken by the number of kids wanting to play football for the money, cars and fame – because that’s what they think being a footballer is all about. It’s not. Football should be about your passion for the sport, not the biggest cars and leggiest pop stars.
Many Premier League footballers (especially the British ones, sadly), seem to think they are untouchable and can get away with anything. They think monogamy, speed limits, and common decency don’t apply to them, and the worst part is, they generally get away with it.
Proposal #1 – A system of punishments for misbehaving footballers, under which they are required to do one of the following, depending on their infraction:
- Community service;
- Donate one month’s wages to charity;
- Go on loan to a non-league club for one month, unpaid, to remind them how lucky they are to play football for a living.
2. Chinese and Indian Takeaways
I firmly believe that we need some kind of uniformity when it comes to delivery charges and the free food that takeaways offer if you spend a certain amount. For example, over Christmas I purchased a Chinese meal for my wife and I from a takeaway in Norwich, and having genuinely forgotten to order some prawn crackers, I tried to add these on before leaving, only to be charged an extra couple of quid. What the actual fuck? Maybe we’ve been spoilt by the takeaways around us, who include prawn crackers and poppadoms for free (regardless of the amount you order), but I do think we need some guidance in place to stop this kind of national discrepancy.
Proposal #2 – The introduction of standardised rules, for takeaways up and down the country, based on the following:
- Free delivery for orders within a radius of 3 miles, then £1 per mile thereafter;
- Free prawn crackers/poppadoms for orders of £5 or over;
- Free starter or side dish (up to the value of £5) for orders of £25 or over;
- Free main course (up to the value of £10) for orders of £50 or over.
At least that way, we all know where we stand.
3. Dining Etiquette
On the subject of food, I think it’s about time we also lay down some nationally recognised (and enforceable) guidelines, for eating and drinking when in the company of others. After all, this is Britain, and ‘good manners’ is what we do best.
Proposal #3 – The introduction of a ‘National Etiquette Guide’, which sets out the protocol for consumption of food and drink, and carries a maximum penalty of up to one year in jail for any of the following offences:
- Eating with your mouth open;
- Talking whilst eating;
- Slurping liquid food (e.g. soup);
- Using the phrase ‘nom nom’ (whether verbally or in writing).
It seems we as a nation have lapsed in our enforcement of the British institution that is queuing. Whether this is down to foreign visitors to our country ignoring the glaring looks and loud tutting they are subjected to when they flagrantly breach our queuing rules, or whether it is down to the increase in BMW and Audi drivers on our roads getting away with cutting other motorists up at high speed, we need to take back control of queuing in the UK, and ensure it is done properly.
Proposal #4 – All British citizens to be issued with ‘The Guide to Queuing’, which will also be made available (and compulsory reading) at all UK airports and border points, for anyone wishing to enter the country – whether that be permanently or just on holiday.
Alton Towers will be consulted on the formal definition of ‘queue-jumping’ (they may not be able to build a rollercoaster safely, but they’ve certainly nailed queue-jumping).
5. Deportation of Idiots
I fully support our annual tradition of honouring those who have done something good with their lives, but feel it is too one-sided, so we need to balance this out by dealing with the idiots who bring the country into disrepute.
Proposal #5 – The introduction of a ‘New Years’ Deportation List’, which will work in the same way as the New Years’ Honours List, but with two important distinctions:
- The list, to be announced at the start of each calendar year, will identify anyone being ordered to leave the country for a period between five years and the remainder of their life (depending on how utterly repulsive they are);
- The list will be compiled by a panel of experts, chaired by myself as PM, and is not capable of appeal.
The New Years’ Deportation List will create three new ‘honours’: The EBE (Evicted from the British Empire), DBE (Dispelled from the British Empire) and BBE (Banished from the British Empire). All essentially amount to the same thing, but carry different maximum periods of deportation. Initial recipients will include Katie Hopkins (attention-seeking moron), Jeremy Paxman (obnoxious moron) and Joey Essex (just a moron).
6. Re-branding of Products with Stupid Names
This part of my manifesto is twofold, but both parts relate to products being forced to re-brand.
Proposal #6.1 – the reinstatement of original product names, for commodities which have been re-branded (often to match the rest of Europe or America). I want to clean my kitchen with ‘Jif’, not ‘Cif’; I want to watch re-runs of Top Gear on ‘UK TV Gold’, not ‘Dave’; but, most importantly, I want to eat some ‘Opal Fruits’ and a fucking ‘MARATHON’.
Proposal #6.2 – The forced re-branding of products which have had ridiculous names from inception. Initial targets include:
- ‘Cillit Bang’ – sounds like an Eastern European porn film
- ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!’
- All Skoda cars.
7. Litter and Dog Waste Abandonment
It’s disgusting, and until we take drastic measures, it will only get worse.
Proposal #7.1 – Anyone proven to have dropped litter in public, will be made to publicly eat whatever they dropped.
Proposal #7.2 – Anyone found to have abandoned dog shit without disposing of it, will be made to smear it on their face like war paint, and wear it for a week as penance.
A designated social media account will be set up for naming and shaming the worst offenders (provisional name: The ‘Litter & Shitter Quitter Twitter’).
8. Self-Service and ‘Basket Only’ Checkouts
Self-service checkouts are the most pointless development in the history of retail. They don’t work properly (if at all) and actually make the queues longer, since every other transaction will crash the machine, resulting in the customer having to wait for, you guessed it, a real life human being to come along and fix it.
‘Basket Only’ checkouts need stricter enforcement.
Proposal #8.1 – All self-service checkouts to be removed immediately, with the parts sold for scrap, and the proceeds used to create jobs for actual people.
Proposal #8.2 – All supermarkets offering a ‘Basket Only’ check-out, will be obliged to designate one member of staff to enforce the following rules:
- baskets only;
- no more than ten items.
They may use whatever physical force they deem necessary.
9. Grammar Training
It’s not rocket science, really it isn’t. I don’t mean complicated grammar, either, just the basics.
Proposal #9 – No child in full time education will be allowed to leave primary school without having mastered the following:
- There / their / they’re;
- Your / you’re;
- To / too / two;
- ‘Would have’ not ‘would of’;
- The correct use of an apostrophe.
10. Road Safety
I think it’s fair to say, our roads can be a hazardous place at times, and we all know who the main culprits are.
Proposal #10.1 – The DVLA shall provide details of every registered keeper of a BMW, Audi or Van in the country, who will all then undergo a compulsory road safety course, with particular focus on three main topics:
- ‘Driver Improvement – Courtesy Knowledge’ (D.I.C.K.) – how to be courteous to other road users;
- ‘Timely Indication Testing System’ (T.I.T.S.) – under which, drivers get an electric shock if they fail to indicate when they should; and
- ‘Cellphone Usage Not Tolerated’ (haven’t come up with a suitable acronym yet)
Proposal #10.2 – I’m all for saving the environment and cutting emissions, but cyclists need to understand that the Highway Code does not give them priority over motorists, nor the right to:
- Travel more than two abreast (and I propose to change this to single file unless cycling with a child);
- Shout abuse at, or damage, any vehicle travelling within fifty feet of their sweating, lycra-clad bottoms;
- Proceed through red traffic lights – especially if this means mounting the pavement.
There it is, my manifesto for improving this great nation of ours. And, even if you don’t agree with all of it, at least you can be confident that I’ll never try to romance a pig’s head.
As Radiohead once sang, I trust I can rely on your vote?