Knick-Knack Paddywhack, Give The Blog A Bone

A few entries ago (#42), I wrote about a company called ‘Little Baby Bum’, and how they have re-worked some classic nursery rhymes into musical cartoon form, taking it upon themselves to change some of the lyrics – and in some cases completely altering the meaning of the rhyme – in the process.

This infuriates me like you would not believe, but since Isaac seems to appreciate them, and more importantly since they seem to send him to sleep, I will have to stick with them for now.

I’m not sure why the altered lyrics annoy me so much though, as it’s not like the original versions were any better. In fact, nearly every nursery rhyme I can think of has either a strange story behind it, or lyrics which are entirely inappropriate for young children.

What idiot thought that the structural frailties of a bridge in London would be of interest to infants? Or that a tale about a giant spider scaring the living shit out of a poor girl while she tries to have a quiet snack would be soothing? And don’t even get me started on the person responsible for Ring a Ring o’ Roses. “Lad’s, I’ve got a new nursery rhyme that I think you’re gonna love. It’s about the plague…. Lads?….. Lads?”

Basically, nursery rhymes may have nice tunes, but the lyrics are always boring, inappropriate, or wildly unrealistic. I know they’re designed for young children, and by and large young children are stupid and gullible, but I think they deserve a little more respect than that.

So, this week I have been busy re-working some nursery rhymes for myself, in order to make them more current, realistic, and believable for the children of today. I think kids are going to love them….

Incey Wincey Spider

Incey Wincey Spider

Climbed up the water spout

Along came the rain

And washed poor Incey out

Out came the sun

And dried up all the rain

But Incey Wincey Spider

Was still scrunched up in pain.

But what did you expect,

That he’d just get up and prowl?

The sun would heal him, good as new?

He’s not a frigging towel.

Incey was a spider, kids

And I’m sorry, but it’s true

They don’t deal well with getting wet

So they’re best off down the loo.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after.

Jill took some photos of the hill

And told Jack he should sue

So Jack rushed home as best he could

To phone Injury Lawyers 4 U

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again

But the men were all too busy

And used this as their excuse

Plus the horses all had hooves, not hands

So they were bugger all use.

Poor Humpty’s head remained smashed

And there was a bone sticking out of his leg

But I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him

Fuck it. He’s only an egg.

Five Little Monkeys

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“No more monkeys jumping on the bed”

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“Have you thought about phoning 111 instead?”

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“Have you listened to a single word I’ve said?”

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“It’ll serve you right if one ends up dead”

One little monkey jumping on the bed

He fell off and bumped his head

Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“Stop calling me for the love of God woman. You’re clearly not fit to be a parent, and the level of neglect you have shown to your children, particularly when all five have now been injured in suspiciously similar circumstances, means I have no choice other than to contact the authorities.”

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle diddle

The cat and the fiddle

The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such fun

And the dish ran away with the spoon

Then the room span

Scary faces and sounds

He started shivering and needed to pee

All of a sudden it wasn’t such fun

‘Cos there’s a dark side to LSD

The Wheels On The Bus

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Round and round

Round and round

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All day long.

The seats on the bus all smell of wee

Smell of wee

Smell of wee

The seats on the bus all smell of wee

All day long

The driver of the bus is fat and rude

Fat and rude

Fat and rude

The driver of the bus is fat and rude

All day long

The back of the bus is packed with slags

Packed with slags

Packed with slags

The back of the bus is packed with slags

All day long

No one on the bus lets the old man sit

The old man sit

The old man sit

No one on the bus lets the old man sit

All day long

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory, dickory, dock

The mouse ran up the clock

The clock struck one

The mouse ran down

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

He went back up the clock

The trap was set

It broke his neck

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner

Sat in the corner

Eating a Christmas pie

He put in his thumb

And pulled out a plum

And said “What a good boy am I!”

In walks Jack’s mum

She spots the plum

And suddenly starts to cry

 “Did you do that

You rude little twat?

You’ve ruined my only pie!”

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells, and cockle shells

And pretty maids all in a row

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Slowly starts to grin

Her garden’s a mess, she couldn’t care less

As she’s off her tits on gin.

Sing a Song of Sixpence

Sing a song of sixpence

A pocket full of rye

Four and twenty blackbirds

Baked in a pie

When the pie was opened

There was a deathly hush

Far from being a dainty dish

It was filled with blood and mush

The children at the party

All began to cry

What kind of sadistic bastard

Puts birds inside a pie?

 

I sincerely hope you find these nursery rhyme re-workings of use with your own children tonight.

Sleep well kids, sleep well.

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