A few entries ago (#42), I wrote about a company called ‘Little Baby Bum’, and how they have re-worked some classic nursery rhymes into musical cartoon form, taking it upon themselves to change some of the lyrics – and in some cases completely altering the meaning of the rhyme – in the process.
This infuriates me like you would not believe, but since Isaac seems to appreciate them, and more importantly since they seem to send him to sleep, I will have to stick with them for now.
I’m not sure why the altered lyrics annoy me so much though, as it’s not like the original versions were any better. In fact, nearly every nursery rhyme I can think of has either a strange story behind it, or lyrics which are entirely inappropriate for young children.
What idiot thought that the structural frailties of a bridge in London would be of interest to infants? Or that a tale about a giant spider scaring the living shit out of a poor girl while she tries to have a quiet snack would be soothing? And don’t even get me started on the person responsible for Ring a Ring o’ Roses. “Lad’s, I’ve got a new nursery rhyme that I think you’re gonna love. It’s about the plague…. Lads?….. Lads?”
Basically, nursery rhymes may have nice tunes, but the lyrics are always boring, inappropriate, or wildly unrealistic. I know they’re designed for young children, and by and large young children are stupid and gullible, but I think they deserve a little more respect than that.
So, this week I have been busy re-working some nursery rhymes for myself, in order to make them more current, realistic, and believable for the children of today. I think kids are going to love them….
Incey Wincey Spider
Incey Wincey Spider
Climbed up the water spout
Along came the rain
And washed poor Incey out
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
But Incey Wincey Spider
Was still scrunched up in pain.
But what did you expect,
That he’d just get up and prowl?
The sun would heal him, good as new?
He’s not a frigging towel.
Incey was a spider, kids
And I’m sorry, but it’s true
They don’t deal well with getting wet
So they’re best off down the loo.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Jill took some photos of the hill
And told Jack he should sue
So Jack rushed home as best he could
To phone Injury Lawyers 4 U
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
But the men were all too busy
And used this as their excuse
Plus the horses all had hooves, not hands
So they were bugger all use.
Poor Humpty’s head remained smashed
And there was a bone sticking out of his leg
But I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him
Fuck it. He’s only an egg.
Five Little Monkeys
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed”
Four little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“Have you thought about phoning 111 instead?”
Three little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“Have you listened to a single word I’ve said?”
Two little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“It’ll serve you right if one ends up dead”
One little monkey jumping on the bed
He fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“Stop calling me for the love of God woman. You’re clearly not fit to be a parent, and the level of neglect you have shown to your children, particularly when all five have now been injured in suspiciously similar circumstances, means I have no choice other than to contact the authorities.”
Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the dish ran away with the spoon
Then the room span
Scary faces and sounds
He started shivering and needed to pee
All of a sudden it wasn’t such fun
‘Cos there’s a dark side to LSD
The Wheels On The Bus
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All day long.
The seats on the bus all smell of wee
Smell of wee
Smell of wee
The seats on the bus all smell of wee
All day long
The driver of the bus is fat and rude
Fat and rude
Fat and rude
The driver of the bus is fat and rude
All day long
The back of the bus is packed with slags
Packed with slags
Packed with slags
The back of the bus is packed with slags
All day long
No one on the bus lets the old man sit
The old man sit
The old man sit
No one on the bus lets the old man sit
All day long
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The mouse ran down
Hickory, dickory, dock.
Hickory, dickory, dock
He went back up the clock
The trap was set
It broke his neck
Hickory, dickory, dock.
Little Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating a Christmas pie
He put in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said “What a good boy am I!”
In walks Jack’s mum
She spots the plum
And suddenly starts to cry
“Did you do that
You rude little twat?
You’ve ruined my only pie!”
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Slowly starts to grin
Her garden’s a mess, she couldn’t care less
As she’s off her tits on gin.
Sing a Song of Sixpence
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened
There was a deathly hush
Far from being a dainty dish
It was filled with blood and mush
The children at the party
All began to cry
What kind of sadistic bastard
Puts birds inside a pie?
I sincerely hope you find these nursery rhyme re-workings of use with your own children tonight.
Sleep well kids, sleep well.
Confessions of a Middle-Raged Dad 