Rather disappointingly, this entry is not about delicious processed-meat snacks, bouncy amphibians, a city in New Mexico or, indeed, the band Prefab Sprout. The above title has, I confess, absolutely no relevance to what follows. Sorry.
This entry is about Facebook.
Whilst I must confess to loving Facebook in the main, it also irritates the hell out of me at times. And by ‘irritates’, I don’t mean ‘slightly irks’ either; I mean ‘makes me want to scratch my own eyes out’. Oh, and by ‘at times’, I also mean ‘more and more frequently by the day’.
In fact, there are now so many things that wind me up about the use of Facebook, that I’ve decided to come up with a list of my worst ten.
Please don’t think that, if you are guilty of any of these crimes against my sanity, I dislike you, or you irritate me personally, as that is not the case at all. You are one person in a vast sea of others doing precisely the same thing, which makes me the minority, and me who has the problem. This list is not an attack on you, it is an explanation of how short my fuse is (not a euphemism, ladies) and how easily annoyed I am as I grow older.
That said, if you’re guilty of all ten, let’s just say our days of Facebook friendship may be limited….
1. ‘Liking’ things
Immediately, I feel I should explain myself. The option to ‘like’ stuff on Facebook is fine per se, and it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to be annoyed by this, whilst simultaneously getting a warm glow inside every time someone likes something that I myself have posted. But it’s when someone either likes EVERYTHING on Facebook or, worse, uses the option inappropriately, that it really gets under my skin.
For example, it’s nice to like someone’s status, comment or photo. But when you like every comment they’ve ever made, or every single photo from their album ‘Faliraki 2013’, it slightly devalues your gesture.
And then there is ‘liking’ stuff inappropriately, e.g.:
John Smith – My dog died today. I’m devastated.
– Joe Bloggs likes this
Doesn’t come across well, does it? I know people will argue that, in this example, they are merely acknowledging the status, perhaps even showing sympathy in their own moronic way, but those people should try using actual real-life words to express their remorse, and should also look up the word ‘like’ in a dictionary. You know, that big book propping up the coffee table in the corner
2. OMG, LMFAO, YOLO etc.
Oh. Dear. Lord. (Or, ODL I guess). I can just about tolerate ‘LOL’, after years of being worn down by its usage, to the point that I have become numb to its usage – and, in the same way, I don’t mind accepting the odd lol on something I have personally posted (I like it when people find me funny and laugh at me, unless it’s because I’m naked or have otherwise embarrassed myself), but the increasing number of variants – LMAO, ROFL, ROFLMAO, LOLZ – make me want to cry and throw myself into the nearest Lolcano.
Then there are the others. OMG (or the latest, arguably worse, additions – omigoodness or omigosh), YOLO and XOXO to name just three in a vast sea of irritation. Please stop it. Now.
3. Groups with bad spelling/grammar or stupid names
A cursory glance whilst writing this, has already yielded two results in Sandbach alone – “Whats on in Sandbach” and “Sandbach Photo’s – Past and Present” (and, if you can’t work out what is wrong with those, we should avoid each other for a while); but it’s more the groups with ridiculous (and often overly-long) names, that really anger me.
My current favourite (and by ‘favourite’, I do of course mean the group that makes me most likely to murder) is “Your Body Is Not Ruined, You’re a Goddamn Tigress Who Earned Her Stripes”. Now, I agree with the sentiment behind this phrase, and at least they know how to use ‘your/you’re’ correctly, but not only is it a stupid way of saying it, and therefore a stupid sounding group, but if someone shares one of their comments or photos, it look ridiculous:
Josephine Bloggs shared Your Body Is Not Ruined, You’re a Goddamn Tigress Who Earned Her Stripes’s photo.
Urgh. I was just sick in my mouth.
By the same token, any group using the word “Mommy” or “Mom” (Americans, I’m mostly looking in your direction here), tends to have a silly name, and that’s aside from the fact it should be spelled “Mum”. For example:
Josephine Bloggs liked Watch out Mommy hasn’t had her meds again lol!!!’s status update.
I’m angry now just typing this. I need a lie down.
You might think that Facebook should get a bit of a reprieve here, as the blame for hashtagging should lie squarely at Twitter’s door, but since I don’t really use/get Twitter, it’s Facebook where I mostly encounter this abomination. Also, hashtags kind of make sense on Twitter, even if I don’t personally like them, whereas on Facebook they just look stupid.
I can see why hashtagging is used, and I’m not so old that I don’t understand what it means for something to trend (yes, I do appreciate that even typing that makes me seem really old), but it’s pointless hashtagging that has no relevance to anything, and specifically over-hashtagging, that I have an issue with. Let me give some examples:
Enjoying my birthday #drinks #vodka
Why? Just, why? Is #drinks going to start trending just because you’re out on the lash? Or did we need that extra explanation that you were actually drinking, in case we assumed you’d just gone out for the night, on your birthday, to walk around town in your stilettos and perhaps pop into the library? Are Vodka sales depleting? No. Fuck off.
Enjoying my birthday #drinks #friends #vodka #clubbing #hammered
That’s just taking the piss now.
Then, lastly, there are the hashtags that have no relevance or meaning to anyone:
Enjoying my birthday #can’tbelieveifelldownstairs #sickonmyshoes #shouldhavewornunderwear
What can you possibly hope to achieve from that, other than confirming everyone’s suspicion that you’re a drunken slapper? Exactly.
5. Using ‘2’ instead of ‘To’ and ‘4’ instead of ‘For’
I hate text speak anyway, but it should be restricted to ‘text’ messaging (the clue is in the name, muppets):
John Smith – Looking 4ward 2 going out 2nite. Need 2 find sumwher gud 2 go 4 kebab after lmao!!!!
No further explanation necessary. How busy is your life, that you needed to save 0.2 of a second by not typing the actual word.
In other words, fishing for attention, sympathy or someone to take an interest in your life, by means of a deliberately vague status, e.g.:
John Smith – I’m so sad
Joe Bloggs – Can’t believe that just happened!
Josephine Bloggs – Bitch messed with the wrong person this time.
Either tell us all about it, so we can make our own assessment of whether we care or not (and I can almost certainly guarantee it’s the latter), or don’t bother putting it on Facebook, and send someone who you think may care a message instead.
7. People who engage with vaguebookers
Self-explanatory really. Don’t humour them, don’t encourage them, and for the love of God, don’t respond with the standard “Aw, u ok hun?”
It makes me want to gouge my own eyes out with a rusty spoon.
8. ‘Quirky’ Facebook nicknames
I don’t mean women (or men) who get married, or anyone who changes their real name for that matter, but rather people who decide to change their names (regularly) to daft things like David ‘BigWilly’ Jones. If you’ve had to call yourself that then, no, it really isn’t. If you must make it clear to everyone that you believe you are well-endowed (when it is blatantly clear to us all that you are not), buy a BMW. You know the rule, BMW = Massive Cock.
9. Over-elaborate emojis
Again, I understand why these are popular, and I appreciate their usefulness to an extent – quite often, a timely ‘winky face’ ensures the recipient knows your possibly-misconstrued comment is a joke, or meant to be tongue-in-cheek – but there are now so many of them, especially on Facebook, that it’s getting ridiculous.
Even worse, is when a status is followed by bloody loads of them: 5 hearts, 6 wine glasses, 4 champagne flutes, 7 smiley faces and 3 ‘thumbs up’, are not required to emphasise that you are enjoying a night on the town with the girls. Shame there isn’t an emoji for throwing up in your handbag whilst mascara runs down your face.
10. People who use FB to publicly send someone a message
If you can’t remember what time you’re meant to be going to someone’s house later that evening, here’s a handy hint: Send them a text, or maybe give them a call.
If you must, and I mean absolutely MUST use Facebook to communicate with them, there is a very useful personal messaging service you can use.
Under no circumstances, do you ever need to post “Hey, what time are we coming round later?” on their timeline. You do know we can all see that, and don’t give a flying horseshit, right?
Ok, so I’ve possibly alienated a lot of people here, but it needed saying. Again, this is not an attack on anyone personally, as I’m sure I am in the minority, so, at the risk of using a cheesy cliché, it’s not you, it’s me. Unless, of course, you agree with most (or perhaps all) of the above, and they annoy you too, in which case we really should hang out more. Let’s grab a beer sometime (then post about it on Facebook, with loads of emojis so everyone can rofl at, and like, our post).
That probably won’t happen though. The problem is invariably mine, and I’ll have to learn to be more tolerant. But, please, next time you do use one of the above, and especially if you are planning on using a few at the same time, take a second to think of my fragile mental state and reconsider. Ok?